Yesterday I found online my long lost ex step brother and ex step mother. My father divorced Wendy when I was around 12. .... Um... well... You know, it took him FOREVER to divorce my mother after they split up. I wonder if they hadn't signed papers yet when he died? She might technically be my step mother still. How weird would That be? My brother had tried for years and years to find Darrin, our former step-brother. I looked every 2-3 years, for Erin's sake. I mostly don't have good memories of that time and I can't say that I've missed them. I found them both night before last, but I was going to let my brother, Erin, call them.
I sent my brother the links, which he didn't look at, and he responded that he'd tried over and over, that it was never Darrin, but he'd call if I wanted him to. Well screw that. I called Darrin first and found that that number was dead. So then I called Wendy, who was home, and we talked for the next 2.5 hours. It was a really great talk, we talked about the past, of course; though we talked about our lives Now also. It turns out that after my father suicided in jail after being picked up for being drunk and disorderly in public, (he wasn't arrested, they just wanted him to dry out before driving) she went to Alanon, which led her to AA and now she's been sober for 29 years! I hadn't noticed that she was an alcoholic, but then again, with my mother and father being much more extreme alcoholics, why would I?
She wasn't great as a step mother. She mostly wasn't violent, but somehow under her influence discipline turned into a particularly sick form of performance art, and my father started using a belt to hit us, which he never had before. In fact, he'd promised not to when I'd been traumatized by seeing my uncle spank my cousin David with a belt when I was 5. I've also harbored resentment about her controlling etiquette training. After being given absolutely no direction in that area before, I was suddenly expected to have immaculate manners, Emily Post etiquette. It wasn't that I was suddenly told how to hold utensils properly, or directions re passing food or setting the table. It was that she acted like I was a crude animal for not knowing things I'd never been shown. And sometimes her directions didn't seem sensible to me. I was told that I had to switch hands after cutting meat before putting it in my mouth. I looked that one up in Emily Post and found that I was 'right', but Wendy was just annoyed that I'd argued about it and said that it was Her rule then. I spent a lot of meals sent to my room, I think a lot of meals were unfinished. Not sure though.
My last pet peeve was the way she behaved as though her son could do no wrong. Erin and I were getting brutalized, Him more than me, but Darrin never got punished (according to my memory, faulty I'm sure).Darrin at ages 5 and 6 was very handsome and charming and smart; and Conniving. He found amusement in framing my brother for things that Darrin himself had done. I don't know what kind of adult he's turned into, but it was painful to see my brother get punished for things he hadn't done. Especially when punishment was so fucking brutal! One time I, not Darrin, told on my brother because he'd ruined my dough art from summer school. He'd melted it all over the reading lamp in my room, that he shouldn't have been in in the first place. I told my father and showed him the ruined dough. I expected Erin to get a lecture, maybe sent to his room, WTF was I thinking? Apparently I'd forgotten I was dealing with MY dad. He punished Erin, and me indirectly, by holding the back of his hand to a hot lightbulb. Skin melts right off too, not unlike dough..., Erin still has a scar there. I felt so guilty, my brother was newly 6 when that happened. My dad was an Asshole in many ways. So the fact that Darrin would do 'bad' things, then tell adults my brother had done them made it hard for me to like him much. I certainly recognized his charm, but it just seemed manipulative to me. If Darrin DID get caught at something he was just chastized without violence. What's up with that? "Don't do it again!"
Wendy apologised very sincerely for her mistakes. Specifically for expecting me to act like an adult. She hated the violence and the deal btwn her and my dad was that he'd discipline us and she'd take care of her child. Thence, no violence for Darrin. She was traumatized by all the violence she witnessed also, and regrets any contribution she made to it. I could really feel her sincerity, and quite by surprise to me, I completely forgive her. I learned that her mother was a terror. Her mother was nice enough to me, but Wendy would be an anxious (and controlling) wreck anytime we were going to see her. That should have been a clue. She did not understand that children should act like children, not mini adults. Her mother had not led her to understand That. She was stuck with 3 kids and working full time while my father went out at night to drink. It's amazing he never got a DUI. She was stressed out and ill prepared for parenting. Don't get me wrong, I feel more sorry for Us, but I can understand how she felt too and have empathy for her situation back then. She was married 3 times, to 3 alcoholics. My father was her 2nd. That's rough....
My brother was a tweaky spaz as a kid, starting when we lived with Wendy. My father was a control freak extraordinaire. Wendy, in the years since I knew her got a MA in psychology. When I told her that my brother had Tourette's she couldn't believe it at first. He had an assortment (he cycled through a bunch in the beginning) of physical tics and a Really annoying vocal tic: "nhTuh!" over and over and over. Our father and Wendy thought it was on purpose. No dr ever diagnosed him. After I told Wendy yesterday she thought it over for a few minutes and I could almost hear the whirring gears and collating thoughts. Suddenly she couldn't help but agree with me. "You're right! That explains Everything!" Fucking Right it does. Fucking baby boomers..., you almost have to kick them in the head to prove to them that it's not About them. My anger is at the abuse my brother suffered, and just Witnessing it hurt me horribly. I understand that they really truly believed he was twitching and beeping and ntuh!ing just to vex them. Why would he? He had no priveleges, he was punished constantly. He was annoying, but he was terrified. TERRIFIED. He would NEVER have deliberately brought all that shitstorm of anger and violence down on his head if he could've stopped. He wasn't even 6 when it started.... How could our parents be so effing Blind! Okay, NOW I'm crying. But yesterday when we were talking, even afterwards, no tears. So weird that such a moving conversation brought no tears to a crybaby like me.
Thank you for loving me, big sister. :)
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